Short answer
Islam keeps the remembering and changes the asking. Be kind to your parents and grandparents while they live, and share guidance with them. Visit your family's graves, keep close to the people your parents loved, and speak no ill of the dead. What changes is worship. Prayer, offerings and bowing in worship go to God (﷾) alone, because those called on besides Him cannot answer or help. For a parent who died a believer, a child prays to God (﷾) for them and gives charity for them. A Muslim does not ask God's (﷾) forgiveness for those who died outside Islam (9:113). That rule is for his own prayers, not a verdict on anyone. God (﷾) punishes no one until a messenger has come to warn them (17:15), and He wrongs no one (4:40). Each person's fate is His alone to judge. If you become Muslim, a chain of prayer begins with you.
Full explanation
How families honour their dead
At Qingming (Ching Ming, Tomb-Sweeping Day) in early April, Chinese families visit their ancestors' graves. They clean them, and bring offerings of food, incense and joss paper, paper that is burned as an offering for the dead. Many homes keep an ancestral tablet on a family altar, where incense is lit. In Japan, families visit and clean the family grave at Obon, a Buddhist time for the family's dead. They pay respects to their ancestors again at higan, a Buddhist week in spring and in autumn. Many homes keep a butsudan, the Buddhist altar in the home, often with memorial tablets (ihai) for the family's dead. The mitamaya (or soreisha) is the Shinto shrine for a family's ancestors. In Korea, jesa is a memorial rite, usually held on the day an ancestor died.
Describes Qingming, also called Tomb-Sweeping Day, as a traditional Chinese festival in early April. Families visit the tombs of their ancestors, clean the graves and make offerings to them, typically of food, joss sticks (incense) and joss paper.
Says that after a funeral, families often set up an ancestral tablet at a household altar beside earlier ancestors. Incense is lit there, news is announced before it, and food, drink and spirit money (joss paper) are offered on special days such as Qingming. In some beliefs, where special powers are ascribed to the dead, the family may ask the spirit to bless it.
Describes Obon as a Japanese Buddhist custom to honour the spirits of one's ancestors, joined with older Japanese belief in ancestral spirits. It has become a family reunion, when people return home and clean their ancestors' graves.
Describes Higan as a Japanese Buddhist holiday of seven days around the spring and autumn equinoxes. As at Obon, many people return to their home towns to pay respects to their ancestors, some with a ceremony at a family tomb.
Describes the butsudan as a shrine or altar common in Japanese Buddhist homes, used to venerate the ancestors, pay respects to the recent dead and venerate the Buddha. Most Buddhist schools place memorial tablets (ihai) for dead relatives in or near it. Offerings before it include tea, water, food (usually fruit or rice), incense, candles and flowers.
The Encyclopedia of Shinto defines the mitamaya as a place or installation for enshrining the spirits of ancestors or noble persons. It says that with the spread of National Learning (Kokugaku) it became more common to enshrine ancestral spirits in ordinary homes, and the place where they were enshrined was called a soreisha or mitamaya.
Describes jesa as a Korean memorial ceremony for the ancestors, usually held on the anniversary of an ancestor's death.
The common ground: honouring parents
Behind these customs stands a duty Islam shares. In Chinese it is xiao (filial piety), a child's love, respect and care for his parents. The Qur'an puts kindness to parents beside the worship of God (﷾), in one sentence. It forbids even a word of contempt to them in old age. It teaches the child to pray for them: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy". Kindness to parents stays even when they are not Muslim (31:15). The best gift a child can give them is to share guidance with them while they live. The page "Filial piety: does Islam honour parents too?" sets this out in full.
“Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."”
“"But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."”
Asma, daughter of Abu Bakr, reports that her mother, who was still a polytheist (mushrika), came to visit her in the Prophet's (ﷺ) lifetime, hoping for her daughter's kindness. Asma asked the Prophet (ﷺ) whether she should keep good relations with her mother. He said yes: keep good relations with your mother.
What Islam keeps: the remembering
Islam keeps much of what a grieving family does. The Prophet (ﷺ) said that he had once forbidden visiting graves, but now people may visit them. He taught his companions to greet the believers buried there with peace, and to ask God (﷾) for peace for themselves and for them. He said that one of the finest acts of goodness is to keep up ties with the people your father loved, after he has gone. He also said: do not speak ill of the dead. So a Muslim family visits its graves, keeps its old friendships, and guards the good name of its dead.
Buraida reports that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: I used to forbid you to visit graves, but you may now visit them.
Buraida reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) used to teach his companions what to say when they went out to the graves. They were to greet with peace the believers and Muslims who dwell there, and say that they would join them, if Allah willed. Then they were to ask Allah for well-being for the living and for the dead.
Abdullah ibn Umar gave his donkey and his turban to a desert Arab whose father had been a friend of Umar. He explained that he had heard the Prophet (ﷺ) say that among the finest acts of goodness is for a man to keep ties with the people his father loved, after his father has gone.
Aisha reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said: do not speak ill of the dead, for they have gone on to what they sent ahead.
Prayer and charity for a parent who died a believer
For a parent who died a believer, love goes on in two ways. The Prophet (ﷺ) said that a person's deeds end at death, except three: lasting charity, useful knowledge, and a righteous child who prays for him. A man told the Prophet (ﷺ) that his mother had died suddenly. He asked whether she would have the reward if he gave charity for her. The Prophet (ﷺ) said yes. So the child prays to God (﷾) for the parent, and gives to people in need on the parent's behalf.
Abu Huraira reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that when a person dies, his deeds come to an end except three: lasting charity, knowledge that people benefit from, and a righteous child who prays for him.
Aisha reports that a man told the Prophet (ﷺ) that his mother had died suddenly. He thought she would have given charity if she had lived, and he asked whether she would receive the reward if he gave charity for her. The Prophet (ﷺ) said yes.
What Islam changes: the asking
Islam changes one thing. Prayer, offerings and bowing in worship go to God (﷾) alone. The Qur'an says, "invoke not any one along with Allah". It says that those invoked besides Him have not the least power, and "if they were to listen, they cannot answer your (prayer)". So the dead cannot answer or help those who call on them. This rule is for everyone, at a Chinese family altar, a Japanese butsudan or a Korean jesa table. A Muslim who asks the dead for help breaks the same rule.
“"And the places of worship are for Allah (alone): So invoke not any one along with Allah;”
“He merges Night into Day, and he merges Day into Night, and he has subjected the sun and the moon (to his Law): each one runs its course for a term appointed. Such is Allah your Lord: to Him belongs all Dominion. And those whom ye invoke besides Him have not the least power.”
“If ye invoke them, they will not listen to your call, and if they were to listen, they cannot answer your (prayer). On the Day of Judgment they will reject your "Partnership". and none, (O man!) can tell thee (the Truth) like the One Who is acquainted with all things.”
The act, not the label
Many families say: 'We do not worship our ancestors; we remember them.' Islam keeps the remembering. It looks at what is done, not at the name it is given. In Islam, bowing down to the ground is for God (﷾) alone: the Qur'an says, "prostrate to Allah, Who created them". Calling on anyone for what only God (﷾) can give is worship too. That is why every Muslim prays, "Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek." Asking a living person to help in what he can do is different, and it is fine. So a Muslim remembers his ancestors and asks God (﷾) alone.
“Among His Signs are the Night and the Day, and the Sun and the Moon. Do not prostrate to the sun and the moon, but prostrate to Allah, Who created them, if it is Him ye wish to serve.”
“Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.”
Ancestors who died before Islam reached them
Most readers' grandparents were not Muslim. The Qur'an speaks of those who joined others with God (﷾) in worship, even close family. It says it is not fitting for the Prophet (ﷺ) and the believers to pray for their forgiveness. The verse adds a condition: "after it is clear to them that they are companions of the Fire". So a Muslim does not ask God's (﷾) forgiveness for a relative who died outside Islam. That is a rule for his own prayers. It is not a verdict on the person. The Qur'an also says that God (﷾) does not visit with His wrath "until We had sent a messenger". So the message must first reach a person. And it says that "Allah is never unjust in the least degree". Whether and how the message reached each person, God (﷾) alone knows. No Muslim may declare where any particular person stands with God (﷾). That belongs to God (﷾), who is just. The page "What happens to people who never heard of Islam or of Jesus?" gives the full answer.
“It is not fitting, for the Prophet and those who believe, that they should pray for forgiveness for Pagans, even though they be of kin, after it is clear to them that they are companions of the Fire.”
“Who receiveth guidance, receiveth it for his own benefit: who goeth astray doth so to his own loss: No bearer of burdens can bear the burden of another: nor would We visit with Our Wrath until We had sent a messenger (to give warning).”
“Allah is never unjust in the least degree: If there is any good (done), He doubleth it, and giveth from His own presence a great reward.”
At Qingming, Obon or a memorial day
On these days a Muslim can still be with his family. He visits the graves, cleans them, and remembers the dead and his own death. He keeps the family together. He makes no offering to the dead. He can give charity to people in need, at any time. For a parent who died a believer, he gives it on that parent's behalf and prays to God (﷾) for them. He may also visit the grave of a relative who was not Muslim, to remember them and death. There he does not ask God's (﷾) forgiveness for them, and he leaves their judgement to God (﷾).
Buraida reports that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: I used to forbid you to visit graves, but you may now visit them.
Aisha reports that a man told the Prophet (ﷺ) that his mother had died suddenly. He thought she would have given charity if she had lived, and he asked whether she would receive the reward if he gave charity for her. The Prophet (ﷺ) said yes.
“It is not fitting, for the Prophet and those who believe, that they should pray for forgiveness for Pagans, even though they be of kin, after it is clear to them that they are companions of the Fire.”
“Allah is never unjust in the least degree: If there is any good (done), He doubleth it, and giveth from His own presence a great reward.”
A chain of prayer that begins with you
A person's deeds end at death, except for lasting charity, useful knowledge and a righteous child who prays for him. If you become Muslim, that chain can begin with you. Your children's prayers and your own lasting charity can reach you after you die. Islam (deen) is a complete way of life: belief, worship, family and character together. The page "What is Islam?" shows it in one place. The Qur'an asks you to test it. It says the Prophet (ﷺ) was sent to all people, and calls him the Seal of the Prophets, the last of them. Read it, and ask whether it is from the Lord of the Worlds.
Abu Huraira reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that when a person dies, his deeds come to an end except three: lasting charity, knowledge that people benefit from, and a righteous child who prays for him.
“This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.”
“O ye who believe! Enter into Islam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the evil one; for he is to you an avowed enemy.”
“And if ye are in doubt as to what We have revealed from time to time to Our servant, then produce a Sura like thereunto; and call your witnesses or helpers (If there are any) besides Allah, if your (doubts) are true.”
“Say: "O men! I am sent unto you all, as the Messenger of Allah, to Whom belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth: there is no god but He: it is He That giveth both life and death. So believe in Allah and His Messenger, the Unlettered Prophet, who believeth in Allah and His words: follow him that (so) ye may be guided."”
“Muhammad is not the father of any of your men, but (he is) the Messenger of Allah, and the Seal of the Prophets: and Allah has full knowledge of all things.”
Point by point
Qur'an 9:113 — Surat al-Tawba (The Repentance), verse 113
“It is not fitting, for the Prophet and those who believe, that they should pray for forgiveness for Pagans, even though they be of kin, after it is clear to them that they are companions of the Fire.”
Cited for
Your Qur'an forbids you to pray for my grandparents.
The response
For those who died outside Islam, yes: a Muslim does not ask God's (﷾) forgiveness for them (9:113). That is a rule for his own prayers. It is not a verdict on your grandparents. The verse gives its condition: "after it is clear to them that they are companions of the Fire". The Qur'an also says God (﷾) sends no wrath "until We had sent a messenger" (17:15). He is "never unjust in the least degree" (4:40). No Muslim may declare any person's fate. That belongs to God (﷾).
Where it lands — Islam states its rule for prayer openly, and leaves each person's fate to a God who wrongs no one.
Sahih Muslim 975 — Kitab al-Jana'iz (The Book of Funerals), hadith 975
Buraida reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) used to teach his companions what to say when they went out to the graves. They were to greet with peace the believers and Muslims who dwell there, and say that they would join them, if Allah willed. Then they were to ask Allah for well-being for the living and for the dead.
Cited for
Muslims speak to the dead at graves too.
The response
Muslims greet the believers buried there with peace, and pray to God (﷾) for them. That is not asking the dead for help or making offerings to them. The Qur'an forbids invoking anyone along with God (72:18), because those invoked cannot answer (35:14).
Where it lands — A greeting and a prayer to God (﷾) for the dead are one thing. Asking the dead for help is another, and Islam forbids it for everyone.
Qur'an 9:114 — Surat al-Tawba (The Repentance), verse 114
“And Abraham prayed for his father's forgiveness only because of a promise he had made to him. But when it became clear to him that he was an enemy to Allah, he dissociated himself from him: for Abraham was most tender-hearted, forbearing.”
Cited for
Abraham prayed for his father, so a Muslim may pray for forgiveness for anyone.
The response
The Qur'an answers this in the next verse. Abraham prayed because of a promise he had made. "But when it became clear to him that he was an enemy to Allah, he dissociated himself from him." The Qur'an still calls him most tender-hearted.
Where it lands — The Qur'an itself explains Abraham's prayer, and the rule in 9:113 keeps its condition.
Qur'an 13:11 — Surat al-Ra'd (The Thunder), verse 11
“For each (such person) there are (angels) in succession, before and behind him: They guard him by command of Allah. Allah does not change a people's lot unless they change what is in their hearts. But when (once) Allah willeth a people's punishment, there can be no turning it back, nor will they find, besides Him, any to protect.”
Cited for
Without our offerings, the ancestors will not protect the family.
The response
The Qur'an says each person is guarded "by command of Allah" (13:11). Those invoked besides Him "have not the least power" (35:13). So a family looks to God (﷾) alone for protection. Its dead are in His hands. For a parent who died a believer, a child's prayer and charity given for them reach them (Muslim 1631; Bukhari 1388).
Where it lands — Protection is from God (﷾) alone. The family's dead are in His hands, and the living turn to Him.
Perspectives
Chinese tradition: honouring the ancestors with the rites
Families keep an ancestral tablet, visit the graves at Qingming, and offer food, incense and joss paper. Many see this as remembering and thanks, the duty of a good child.
We only remember our ancestors and thank them; we do not worship them.
Rebuttal
Islam keeps the remembering: graves, old friendships and the good name of the dead. It judges the act, not its name. Bowing to the ground is for God (﷾) alone (41:37). Calling on the dead for what only God (﷾) can give is worship, and worship goes to God (﷾) alone (1:5).
The ancestors watch over the family, and they can be asked to bless it.
Rebuttal
The Qur'an says those invoked besides God (﷾) have not the least power, and cannot answer (35:13-14). Each person is guarded "by command of Allah" (13:11). So a family turns to God (﷾) alone for protection, and leaves its dead in His hands.
Leaving the rites dishonours the family and fails the duty of a child.
Rebuttal
Islam commands kindness to parents even when they are not Muslim (31:15). A Muslim honours them every day: with kindness while they live, and afterwards by keeping up their ties and their good name.
Confucius: the rites for dead parents
In the Analects (Lunyu), Confucius teaches that parents are served while they live. After death they are buried and sacrificed to, according to propriety (li, the rites).
Parents are to be served in life, and buried and sacrificed to after death, according to propriety.
Rebuttal
Islam also commands care for parents in life and a proper burial. It offers no sacrifice to them, because sacrifice is for God (﷾) alone (6:162; 1:5). For a parent who died a believer, it gives prayer to God (﷾) instead.
Confucius sacrificed to the dead as if they were present.
Rebuttal
The words "as if they were present" speak of reverence, and Islam honours reverence. But sacrifice is itself worship, whatever is meant by it. The Qur'an says: "my prayer and my service of sacrifice, my life and my death, are (all) for Allah" (6:162). So offerings go to no one but God (﷾).
Remember them; the rest is gone
Many people without a religion honour the dead by remembering them, keeping their photographs and telling their stories. They hold that nothing of the person survives death. So rites can do nothing for them.
Thought cannot survive the death of the brain, so the dead live on only in memory.
Rebuttal
Russell himself called this only an argument of probability. Islam keeps the remembering. And it adds what memory cannot give. A child's prayer, and charity given on a parent's behalf, reach a parent who died a believer. The One who made a person the first time will give life to the bones again.
Buddhist: give in the name of the departed
The Buddha taught that relatives reborn in the world of ghosts are helped by what their family gives on their behalf. Buddhists give offerings to monks, and dedicate the merit to their dead relatives.
Departed relatives reborn in the ghost realm are aided by what their kin provide for them from here.
Rebuttal
Islam agrees that the living can help the dead by giving. The Prophet (ﷺ) said that charity given on behalf of a mother who had died reaches her. But the charity is given for God's (﷾) sake, not to the dead. And the prayer is made to Him, for them. The dead are behind a barrier until the Day they are raised.
Shinto: enshrine the ancestors at home
Many Japanese families give the spirits of their ancestors a place at an altar in the home. They honour them with offerings, and hold that they watch over the family.
The spirits of the ancestors are enshrined and honoured at home.
Rebuttal
Islam honours the dead too. It allows visits to their graves. And it counts keeping up ties with the people your father loved among the finest deeds. But the family is guarded by God's (﷾) command, not by the dead. Each person has angels who guard him by Allah's (﷾) command. And prayer is made to Him alone.
Daoist: rites for the dead in the seventh month
In the seventh month of the lunar year, Chinese families, Daoist and Buddhist alike, make offerings for their ancestors and for wandering spirits. Rites are held to help the dead. Many keep the festival as a custom, rather than as religion.
In the seventh month, the living make offerings so that their ancestors and the wandering dead are fed and helped.
Rebuttal
Islam agrees that the living can help the dead. But they do it by praying to God (﷾), and by giving charity on their behalf, not by setting out food for them. The Prophet (ﷺ) said a person's deeds end at death, except for three things. One of them is a good child who prays for him. Offerings and worship belong to Allah (﷾) alone.
The Islamic perspective
Islam keeps the remembering and changes the asking. It honours parents in life and after death, and gives all worship to God (﷾) alone. The fate of each ancestor belongs to God (﷾), who is just.
The Qur'an commands kindness to parents, next to the worship of God (﷾) alone. And it teaches the child to pray to God (﷾) for them.
Visiting graves is allowed. Keeping ties with the people one's father loved is among the finest deeds. No ill is spoken of the dead.
A child's prayer, and charity given on a parent's behalf, reach a parent who died a believer.
Prayer, offerings and bowing in worship belong to God (﷾) alone; those invoked besides Him cannot answer or help.
A Muslim does not ask God (﷾) to forgive those who died outside Islam (9:113). But no one is punished before a messenger has reached them (17:15). God (﷾) is never unjust (4:40). And no Muslim may say where any particular person will end up.