“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”
In Islam, marriage is one of the signs of Allah (﷾): a home of calm, love and mercy. Husband and wife each have rights over the other, and each will answer to Allah (﷾) for how they treated the other. A good marriage starts with a good choice.
What to look for
Look first for faith and character. The Prophet (ﷺ) said a woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family, her beauty or her religion. Choose the one of good religion, he said, or you will be the loser.
A woman weighs a man in the same way. When two men proposed to Fatima bint Qays, the Prophet (ﷺ) warned her that one never put his stick down from his shoulder, and that the other was poor. He told her to marry Usama ibn Zayd instead. She did, and she said Allah (﷾) blessed her in it.
See each other, and agree freely. The Prophet (ﷺ) told a man to go and look at the woman he meant to marry. And no woman is to be married without being asked and giving her consent.
Then ask Allah (﷾) to guide you. The Prophet (ﷺ) taught istikhara for every decision: a prayer of two units, then a dua asking Allah (﷾) to choose what is good.
“Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.”
Built on love and mercy
“They are your garments and ye are their garments.”
A garment is close. It covers, protects and adorns. That is how the Qur’an describes husband and wife: each is this for the other.
Both are responsible. The Prophet (ﷺ) said a man is the guardian of his family and is responsible for them, and a woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and is responsible for it.
Rights go both ways. The Qur’an says women have rights like the rights over them, “according to what is equitable”, and that men have a degree over them. Scholars explain that degree as the husband’s duty to lead and provide for the family. He leads by consulting, as believers run “their affairs by mutual Consultation”.
The Prophet (ﷺ) took his wife’s advice at a hard moment. At al-Hudaybiyah his Companions were slow to do as he asked. His wife Umm Salama told him to go out, say nothing, and offer his own sacrifice first. He did, and they all followed.
A good husband
“live with them on a footing of kindness and equity.”
Be kind. The Qur’an tells husbands to live with their wives in kindness and fairness, and the Prophet (ﷺ) said: take good care of women.
Provide for her. In his Farewell Sermon the Prophet (ﷺ) told men to fear Allah (﷾) concerning women, and said they have the right to food and clothing in a fitting way. Her mahr, the marriage gift, is hers alone, and so is what she earns.
Help at home. Asked what the Prophet (ﷺ) did at home, his wife Aisha said he was busy serving his family until it was time for prayer.
Never be harsh. Aisha said the Prophet (ﷺ) never struck a woman or a servant with his hand.
Give her your time. When a Companion fasted every day and prayed all night, the Prophet (ﷺ) told him to stop: your wife has a right over you.
Overlook small faults. The Prophet (ﷺ) said a believing man should not hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one of her ways, he will be pleased with another.
A good wife
Stand by him. When the first revelation came and the Prophet (ﷺ) came home afraid, his wife Khadijah comforted him. Allah (﷾) would never disgrace him, she said, for he kept ties with his family, helped the poor and served his guests.
Guard his home. The Prophet (ﷺ) said a wife should not let anyone into her husband’s home whom he does not want there. And just as he owes her his time, she does not take on a voluntary fast while he is at home without his agreement.
Be a blessing to him, as he must be to you. The Prophet (ﷺ) said this world is a provision, and the best thing in it is a righteous woman.
When things are hard
Every marriage has hard days. The Qur’an tells a husband who dislikes something in his wife that “it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good”.
Settle things between you. If a wife fears cruelty or desertion from her husband, the Qur’an says they may come to an agreement, “and such settlement is best”. If the breach grows, each family sends an arbiter to help them make peace.
If a marriage cannot go on, Islam allows it to end, and asks that it end well: the couple should “either hold Together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness”.