Short answer
No. In Islam a seeker of God (﷾) stays with his family, because caring for them for His sake is itself worship. The Buddhist texts rank it the other way. In the Pali canon, the scriptures of Theravada Buddhism, the Buddha lists partners and children among things that die. He says the noble search is for what does not. Other verses call concern for wife and children a strong shackle, and tell the seeker to live alone. Later stories add the sleeping wife and the newborn son. Buddhists honour his going as a great sacrifice. But a family is not a chain to cut. The Prophet (ﷺ) came home to his wife with the first revelation. He served his family, carried his granddaughter in prayer and wept for his son. So Islam's answer is to seek God (﷾) at home, among the people placed in your care.
Full explanation
The two searches
The Majjhima Nikaya, part of the Pali canon, the scriptures of Theravada Buddhism, holds a sermon called the Noble Search. In it the Buddha tells his monks of two searches. The ignoble search is to seek what is liable to die. He says what such things are, and the list opens with partners and children. The noble search is to seek what is free of birth and death, which he calls extinguishment (nirvana). He does not say a family is evil. He says it cannot be the goal, and that a heart tied to it is looking in the wrong place. So this question is not only about one man's choice. It is about what the teaching says is worth seeking.
“Partners and children, male and female bondservants, goats and sheep, chickens and pigs, and elephants and cattle are liable to die. These attachments are liable to die. Someone who is tied, infatuated, and attached to such things, themselves liable to die, seeks what is also liable to die.”
“It's when someone who is themselves liable to be reborn, understanding the drawbacks in being liable to be reborn, seeks that which is free of rebirth, the supreme sanctuary from the yoke, extinguishment.”
How the sermon says he left
In the same sermon the Buddha tells how he began. Before his awakening, he says, he too was seeking what dies. Then he asked himself why he should not seek what is free of death. While still young he shaved his head and left the home life, though his mother and father wished otherwise. This sermon names no wife or child of his. So the reason it gives is a search for freedom from death. The scene most people picture is not here, and the teaching does not depend on it.
“Why don't I seek that which is free of rebirth, old age, sickness, death, sorrow, and corruption, the supreme sanctuary from the yoke, extinguishment?”
“I shaved off my hair and beard, dressed in ocher robes, and went forth from the lay life to homelessness.”
What the verses tell the seeker
Other books of the Pali canon turn this into advice for the seeker. The poem of the Horned Rhino in the Sutta Nipata says concern for partners and children entangles a person, as bamboo tangles. It names children, partner, father and mother among what is given up, and says to live alone. The Dhammapada says iron is a weak shackle beside concern for partners and children. Those who cut it, it says, go forth. The Long Discourses call life at home cramped and dirty. In the Middle Discourses a wanderer asks if any lay person ends suffering without giving up "the fetter of lay life". The Buddha says no, though he says many reach heaven. Another sermon says many lay followers go far on the path, and it calls those who go furthest "chaste". So in these texts the family is more than something that passes. It is the tie a seeker of the highest goal must cut.
“As a spreading bamboo gets entangled, so does concern for partners and children. Like a bamboo shoot unobstructed, live alone like a horned rhino.”
“Children, partner, father, mother, wealth and grain and relatives: having given up sensual pleasures to this extent, live alone like a horned rhino.”
“The attentive say that shackle is not strong that's made of iron, wood, or knots. But obsession with jeweled earrings, concern for your partners and children: this, say the attentive, is a strong shackle dragging the indulgent down, hard to escape. Having cut this one too they go forth, unconcerned, having given up sensual pleasures.”
“Life at home is cramped and dirty, life gone forth is wide open. It's not easy for someone living at home to lead the spiritual life utterly full and pure, like a polished shell.”
“"Worthy Gotama, are there any laypeople who, without giving up the fetter of lay life, make an end of suffering when the body breaks up?" "No, Vaccha." "But are there any laypeople who, without giving up the fetter of lay life, go to heaven when the body breaks up?" "There's not just one hundred laypeople, Vaccha, or two or three or four or five hundred, but many more than that who, without giving up the fetter of lay life, go to heaven when the body breaks up."”
“is there even a single layman disciple of Worthy Gotama—white-clothed and chaste—who, with the ending of the five lower fetters, is reborn spontaneously, to be extinguished there, not liable to return from that world?" "There are not just one hundred such chaste laymen who are my disciples, Vaccha, or two or three or four or five hundred, but many more than that.”
| Question | Life at home | Life gone forth |
|---|---|---|
| How it is described | Cramped and dirty | Wide open |
| Partners and children | Concern for them is a strong shackle | Having cut this, they go forth |
| Can it end suffering? | No, not without giving up the fetter of lay life, though many reach heaven | This is the goal of the noble search |
The monk who did not look at his son
The Udana, a book of the Pali canon, tells of a monk named Sangamaji. His former wife came to him with their little boy. Three times she asked him to raise the child, and three times he kept silent. She set the boy down in front of him. He neither looked at the boy nor spoke to him, and she took the child and left. The Buddha saw this and spoke a verse in the monk's praise, calling him freed from chains. Buddhists read this as the calm of a man who has let go. It matters because it is canon, and because it is not about the Buddha's own life. A father's silence before his son is praised as the mark of one set free. The Vessantara Jataka, a story of a past life, has its own page.
“Then she put down the boy in front of Saṅgāmaji, saying, "This is your child, ascetic. Please raise him." But Saṅgāmaji neither looked at the boy nor spoke to him. Then his former wife went a little distance away. Looking back, she saw Saṅgāmaji ignoring the boy, and thought, "This ascetic doesn't even want his child." She returned to pick up the boy, then left.”
“When she came he was not glad, when she left he did not grieve. Victorious in battle, freed from chains, that's who I declare a brahmin.”
Where the wife and son come in
The best-known scenes come from later layers. The Vinaya, the monks' rule book in the canon, tells of the Buddha's return to his home town. There she is called only the mother of Rahula. She sends the boy to ask his father for his inheritance, and the Buddha has him made a novice. The name Yasodhara comes in later texts. The Nidanakatha, part of the Jataka commentary, reached its Pali form about the fifth century CE. In it the future Buddha hears of his son's birth and calls it a bond. Then he stands at the door of the sleeping mother and child, and goes. The Buddhacarita is a Sanskrit poem by Asvaghosha, a Buddhist poet. Its translator Cowell places him most probably in the first century CE. It gives her a lament, and in it she asks where the religion is in such a leaving. So a Buddhist poet put this very question. This page does not rest on these late scenes. The teaching stands without them, in the canon.
“The queen, the mother of Rāhula, said to the boy, "This is your father, Rāhula. Go and ask for your inheritance."”
“"Give me my inheritance! Give me my inheritance!" The Buddha said to Venerable Sāriputta, "Well then, Sāriputta, give Rāhula the going forth."”
Says that Rahulamata, "Rahula's mother", is the name generally given in the texts to Gotama's wife, as in the Vinaya. She is also called Bhaddakacca, and in later texts Yasodhara, among other names.
“An impediment has come into being, a bond has come into being.”
“If I lift her hand to take my son, she will awake; and that will prevent my going away. I will come back and see him when I have become a Buddha.”
“If he wishes to practise a religious life after abandoning me his lawful wife widowed,—where is his religion, who wishes to follow penance without his lawful wife to share it with him?”
| Text | Layer | What it says |
|---|---|---|
| Majjhima Nikaya 26 | Pali canon | He left home while young. No wife or child of his is named. |
| Vinaya, Mahavagga I.54 | Pali canon | "The mother of Rahula" sends the boy to ask for his inheritance. The boy goes forth. |
| Buddhacarita | Sanskrit poem, probably first century CE | Yasodhara asks where the religion is in such a leaving. |
| Nidanakatha | Commentary, about the fifth century CE | His son's birth is called a bond. He leaves the sleeping mother and child. |
What the grandfather said
The Vinaya also records what the leaving cost. After Rahula went forth, the Buddha's father Suddhodana came to him. He said the Buddha's own going had been very painful for him, and that this was worse. Affection for a child, he said, cuts through skin, flesh and bone to the marrow. He asked that no child go forth without the parents' permission. The Buddha made this a rule for the monks. So the canon itself bears witness that a family's love has a claim, and a rule was made to respect it.
“When the Buddha went forth, it was very painful for me, and the same when Nanda went forth. With Rāhula, it's even worse. Affection for a child cuts deep. It cuts through the outer and inner skin; it cuts through the flesh, the sinews, and the bones, and it reaches all the way to the bone-marrow. Please, may the venerables not give the going forth to a child without the parents' permission.”
“You shouldn't give the going forth to a child without the parents' permission. If you do, you commit an offense of wrong conduct.”
Who can walk this path?
In these texts no one ends suffering without giving up the fetter of lay life. Yet those who leave live on alms. So someone must stay at home, grow the food and raise the next generation. If all took the highest path, no child would be born and no bowl would be filled. The top of this ladder rests on the people it places lower. So the path cannot be the way for all. Islam does not put the home on a lower rung. Its pattern is a husband and father, and anyone can follow it at home.
“Once they've gone forth, they live restrained in the monastic code, conducting themselves well and resorting for alms in suitable places.”
“"Worthy Gotama, are there any laypeople who, without giving up the fetter of lay life, make an end of suffering when the body breaks up?" "No, Vaccha." "But are there any laypeople who, without giving up the fetter of lay life, go to heaven when the body breaks up?" "There's not just one hundred laypeople, Vaccha, or two or three or four or five hundred, but many more than that who, without giving up the fetter of lay life, go to heaven when the body breaks up."”
“Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct) for any one whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the Praise of Allah.”
Family is worship, not a rival to it
The Qur'an gives another answer. It says God (﷾) gave the messengers wives and children. It tells of believers who pray for spouses and children who will be the comfort of their eyes. It tells them to save themselves and their families, so a seeker must care for their salvation as well as his own. It lays on the father the cost of food and clothing for the mother who nurses his child. A man, the Prophet (ﷺ) said, is a guardian of his family and answers for them. The rewards are stated with their conditions. In Sahih al-Bukhari he said a person is rewarded for whatever he spends seeking Allah's (﷾) pleasure. That includes even the morsel he puts in his wife's mouth. What a Muslim spends on his family, hoping for Allah's (﷾) reward, counts as charity for him. In Sahih Muslim he named four coins. One is spent in God's (﷾) cause, one to free a slave, one on the needy and one on your family. The greatest in reward, he said, is the one spent on your family. A man once asked leave to go out on jihad, striving in God's (﷾) cause. The Prophet (ﷺ) asked if his parents were alive, and told him to strive in serving them. So the very duties a seeker might leave behind are the road to God (﷾). No tie to a family has to be cut for the heart to reach Him.
“We did send messengers before thee, and appointed for them wives and children: and it was never the part of a messenger to bring a sign except as Allah permitted (or commanded). For each period is a Book (revealed).”
“And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."”
“O ye who believe! save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.”
“The mothers shall give such to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be Treated unfairly on account of her child. Nor father on account of his child, an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (the mother) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what ye do.”
Ibn Umar reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that all of you are guardians, responsible for those in your care. A ruler is a guardian of his people, a man is a guardian of his family and answers for them, and a woman is a guardian of her husband's house.
Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said a person is rewarded for whatever he spends seeking Allah's pleasure, even the morsel of food he puts in his wife's mouth.
Abu Mas'ud al-Ansari reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that when a Muslim spends on his family, hoping for Allah's reward, it counts as charity for him.
Abu Huraira reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said: of a dinar you spend in Allah's path, a dinar you spend to free a slave, a dinar you give in charity to a needy person and a dinar you spend on your family, the greatest in reward is the one you spend on your family.
Abdullah ibn Amr reports that a man asked the Prophet's (ﷺ) permission to go on jihad. The Prophet asked whether his parents were alive. When he said yes, the Prophet told him: then make your jihad in serving them.
| Source | What it says |
|---|---|
| Qur'an 66:6 | Save yourselves and your families. |
| Qur'an 2:233 | The father bears the cost of food and clothing for the mother who nurses his child. |
| Sahih al-Bukhari 893 | A man is a guardian of his family and answers for them. |
| Sahih al-Bukhari 5351 | What a Muslim spends on his family, hoping for Allah's (﷾) reward, counts as charity. |
| Sahih Muslim 995 | Of four coins, the one spent on your family is the greatest in reward. |
| Sahih al-Bukhari 3004 | A man who asked to go out on jihad was told to strive in serving his parents. |
When devotion forgets the family
Abu al-Darda was a companion of the Prophet (ﷺ) who fasted by day and rose to pray at night. His wife wore shabby clothes and said he had no interest in this world. His brother in faith Salman told him that his Lord, his own self and his family each had a right on him. The Prophet (ﷺ) said Salman had spoken the truth. He told Abdullah ibn Amr the same: your wife has a right over you. The page on why Islam has no monks tells of three men who vowed to pray all night, fast without a break and never marry. He turned them back. So the two traditions weigh such devotion in opposite ways. In the Udana a monk's silence is praised. In the hadith a worshipper's neglect is corrected.
Abu Juhayfa reports that Salman visited his brother in faith Abu al-Darda and found Abu al-Darda's wife in shabby clothes. She said he had no interest in this world. Abu al-Darda was fasting by day and rising to pray at night, and Salman stopped him. Salman told him that his Lord had a right on him, his own self had a right on him and his family had a right on him, and that he should give each its due. Abu al-Darda told the Prophet (ﷺ), who said that Salman had spoken the truth.
Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-As used to fast every day and pray all night. The Prophet (ﷺ) told him not to do so: he should fast on some days and not on others, and pray at night and also sleep. He said that his body has a right over him, his eyes have a right over him, and his wife has a right over him.
Anas ibn Malik reports that three men asked about the Prophet's (ﷺ) worship and thought their own too little. One vowed to pray all night for ever, one to fast every day without a break, and one to keep away from women and never marry. The Prophet told them that he feared Allah more than they did, yet he fasted and broke his fast, prayed and slept, and married. Whoever turns away from his way, he said, is not of him.
| Question | Udana 1.8 | Sahih al-Bukhari 1968 |
|---|---|---|
| Who is devoted? | Sangamaji, a monk | Abu al-Darda, a companion |
| Who is overlooked? | His former wife and little boy | His wife |
| What is said? | Freed from chains | Your family has a right on you |
| The verdict | Praised | Corrected |
A Prophet in his own house
The Prophet (ﷺ) lived his worship among his family. His wife Aisha was asked what he did at home. She said he served his family, and when the time for prayer came he went out to pray. He prayed while carrying his granddaughter Umama, setting her down when he prostrated. He cut prayers short on hearing a child cry, so as not to trouble the mother. He kissed his grandson al-Hasan, and said that whoever shows no mercy will be shown none. The Qur'an calls him a beautiful pattern. So worship and family belong in the same room, and any father can follow this pattern.
Al-Aswad asked Aisha what the Prophet (ﷺ) used to do at home. She said he busied himself serving his family, and when the time for prayer came he went out to pray.
Abu Qatada al-Ansari reports that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) prayed while carrying Umama, the daughter of his daughter Zaynab and of Abu al-As ibn al-Rabi. When he prostrated he put her down, and when he stood up he carried her.
Abu Qatada reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that when he stood to pray he meant to make the prayer long, but on hearing a child cry he would cut it short, so as not to trouble the child's mother.
Abu Huraira reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) kissed his grandson al-Hasan ibn Ali while al-Aqra ibn Habis was sitting with him. Al-Aqra said he had ten children and had never kissed any of them. The Prophet looked at him and said that whoever is not merciful to others will not be shown mercy.
“Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct) for any one whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the Praise of Allah.”
The Prophet (ﷺ) at home
- He served his family, and went out when the time for prayer came.
- He prayed while carrying his granddaughter Umama.
- He cut prayers short on hearing a child cry.
- He kissed his grandson al-Hasan.
Two answers to the same grief
Both faiths begin from one fact: the people we love will die. Visakha, a lay follower, came to the Buddha after her granddaughter died. He told her that a hundred loved ones bring a hundred sufferings. His verse says to have no loved ones in the world at all. The Prophet (ﷺ) wept as his infant son Ibrahim was dying. Asked about it, he said this is mercy. The heart grieves, he said, but we say only what pleases our Lord. Over a dying grandchild he said this is a mercy God (﷾) places in the hearts of His servants. So in Islam the pain of love is not a sickness to be cured by loving less. The Qur'an also changes the ending. It promises those who persevere Gardens of lasting bliss, which they enter with the righteous among their parents, spouses and children. It says families who followed the believers in faith will be joined to them, though each person answers for his own deeds. So for such believers death is a parting, not the end of the family.
“That's why those who have no loved ones at all in the world are happy and free of grief. So aspiring to the sorrowless and stainless, have no loved ones in the world at all.”
Anas reports that the Prophet's (ﷺ) infant son Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the Prophet's eyes filled with tears. Abd al-Rahman ibn Awf asked in surprise whether even he wept. He answered that this was mercy. Then he wept more and said that the eyes shed tears and the heart grieves, but we say only what pleases our Lord, and that they were saddened by Ibrahim's parting.
Usama ibn Zayd reports that the Prophet's (ﷺ) daughter sent for him as her child was dying. He first sent word that what Allah takes and what He gives belong to Him, that everything has its fixed term, and that she should be patient and hope for reward. When the child was brought to him, struggling for breath, his eyes flowed with tears. Asked what this was, he said it is a mercy Allah has placed in the hearts of His servants, and Allah is merciful to those of His servants who are merciful.
“And those who believe and whose families follow them in Faith,- to them shall We join their families: Nor shall We deprive them (of the fruit) of aught of their works: (Yet) is each individual in pledge for his deeds.”
“Gardens of perpetual bliss: they shall enter there, as well as the righteous among their fathers, their spouses, and their offspring: and angels shall enter unto them from every gate (with the salutation): "Peace unto you for that ye persevered in patience! Now how excellent is the final home!"”
| Question | In the Pali texts | In Islam |
|---|---|---|
| Will those we love die? | Yes | Yes |
| What is the pain of grief? | A hundred loved ones, a hundred sufferings | A mercy God (﷾) places in the heart |
| What is the answer? | Have no loved ones in the world at all | Say only what pleases your Lord |
| What is the end? | Extinguishment | Paradise, with the righteous of your family |
God (﷾) first, and the family kept
Islam too puts God (﷾) above every tie. The Qur'an warns those who hold their kin dearer than Allah (﷾). It calls children a trial. But a trial is passed by staying and doing right. When parents press their child to worship others, the Qur'an says not to obey them. Yet it says to keep their company in this life with justice and consideration. So putting God (﷾) first does not end the duty. It is the reason the duty stays.
“Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.”
“And know ye that your possessions and your progeny are but a trial; and that it is Allah with Whom lies your highest reward.”
“"But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."”
Abraham and the valley of Mecca
Abraham (pbuh) brought Hagar and the infant Ishmael (pbuh) to the empty valley of Mecca and left them with dates and water. Some ask if this is the same thing. Sahih al-Bukhari tells it without softening. Hagar followed him and asked many times where he was going, and he did not turn to her. Then she asked if Allah (﷾) had commanded this. He said yes. She said that then He would not let them be lost, and she went back. Out of her sight he faced the House, raised his hands and prayed for them. The hardship was real. The water ran out, the child was in distress, and she ran seven times between two hills looking for help. Then an angel brought out the water of Zamzam and told her not to fear, and people came and settled there. Abraham (pbuh) came back, the hadith says, after Ishmael (pbuh) had married and his mother had died. On a later visit father and son raised the Ka'ba together. A shorter report says this followed a strain in Abraham's (pbuh) household. It too has Hagar ask to whom he is leaving them, and he answers: to Allah (﷾). Four things set this apart from the going forth. It was God's (﷾) command to a prophet, not a seeker's own plan. Hagar asked, was answered, and accepted it. Abraham (pbuh) did not leave to be free of his family. He settled them at God's (﷾) House so that his own children would set up prayer there. And it is not a path. Prophethood has ended, so no one today can claim such a command. What Muslims copy from that day is the mother's part: every pilgrim walks seven times between those two hills. The standing rule is that a man answers for his family.
Ibn Abbas reports that Abraham brought Hagar and her son Ishmael to the empty valley of Mecca while she was still nursing him, left them near the place of the Ka'ba with a bag of dates and a skin of water, and prayed for them. Hagar asked whether Allah had commanded this, and when he said yes, she said Allah would not abandon them.
Ibn Abbas reports that Hagar followed Abraham, asking many times where he was going and why he was leaving them in an empty valley, and he did not turn to her. Then she asked whether Allah had commanded this. He said yes, and she said that then He would not let them be lost, and went back. When Abraham reached a place where they could not see him, he faced the Ka'ba, raised his hands and prayed for them in the words of 14:37. When the water ran out and the child was in distress, Hagar ran seven times between Safa and Marwa; the Prophet (ﷺ) said this is why people walk between the two. An angel then dug at the place of Zamzam and told her not to fear being lost: the boy and his father would build the House of Allah here. People of the tribe of Jurhum settled beside the water. After Ishmael had married and his mother had died, Abraham came to see the family he had left, and came again. On a later visit he and Ishmael raised the foundations of the Ka'ba together.
Ibn Abbas reports, in a shorter account, that when there was between Abraham and his wife what there was, he went out with Ishmael and Ishmael's mother and brought them to Mecca. As he turned back, Hagar called after him: to whom are you leaving us? He said: to Allah. She said: I am content with Allah. Later, after the boy had married, Abraham told his wife that he wished to look in on those he had left, and went to them.
“"O our Lord! I have made some of my offspring to dwell in a valley without cultivation, by Thy Sacred House; in order, O our Lord, that they may establish regular Prayer: so fill the hearts of some among men with love towards them, and feed them with fruits: so that they may give thanks.”
“And remember Abraham and Isma'il raised the foundations of the House (With this prayer): "Our Lord! Accept (this service) from us: For Thou art the All-Hearing, the All-knowing.”
“Muhammad is not the father of any of your men, but (he is) the Messenger of Allah, and the Seal of the Prophets: and Allah has full knowledge of all things.”
Ibn Umar reports that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that all of you are guardians, responsible for those in your care. A ruler is a guardian of his people, a man is a guardian of his family and answers for them, and a woman is a guardian of her husband's house.
| Question | Abraham (pbuh) in the valley | The going forth |
|---|---|---|
| Whose decision? | God (﷾) commanded it | "Then it occurred to me" |
| Why? | So that his children would set up prayer at God's (﷾) House | To seek what is free of death |
| For whom? | One prophet, one time | Any seeker of the highest goal |
| What of the tie? | He prayed for them, came back, and built the Ka'ba with his son | Having cut this, they go forth |
| What is copied today? | Hagar's seven runs between the two hills | The going forth itself |
The cave of Hira, and retreat in Islam
Before the revelation the Prophet (ﷺ) used to worship alone in the cave of Hira. Some ask if this was a going forth. Aisha says he stayed for many days, then came back to his family. He took food with him, returned to Khadija and took food again. So these were retreats from a home he kept. When the first revelation came in the cave, he did not stay there. He went home to his wife in fear, and she calmed him. Islam's own retreat is i'tikaf, staying in the mosque for worship. He kept it in the last ten days of Ramadan. Even then Aisha combed his hair, and his wife Safiyya visited him and he walked her to the gate. So Islam knows retreat, but for days and with the family near. The home is never given up.
Aisha reports that before the revelation the Prophet (ﷺ) came to love being alone. He would worship in the cave of Hira for many days before going back to his family, taking food with him, then return to Khadija to take food again. When the first revelation came to him there, he went home with his heart beating hard and said to Khadija, "Cover me!" They covered him until his fear left him. She reassured him and took him to her cousin Waraqa.
Aisha, the wife of the Prophet (ﷺ), reports that he used to stay in the mosque for worship (i'tikaf) in the last ten days of Ramadan until Allah took his soul, and that his wives kept the same practice after him.
Aisha reports that while the Prophet (ﷺ) was in the mosque he would put his head in through to her house, and she would comb and oil his hair. In i'tikaf (retreat in the mosque) he did not enter the house except for a need.
Safiyya, a wife of the Prophet (ﷺ), reports that she visited him in the mosque during i'tikaf in the last ten days of Ramadan and talked with him for a while. When she rose to go home, he walked with her as far as the gate of the mosque.
| Question | Hira | I'tikaf | The going forth |
|---|---|---|---|
| How long? | Many days at a time | The last ten days of Ramadan | The homeless life |
| What of the family? | He came back to Khadija | Aisha combed his hair, and Safiyya visited | He left home |
What does not die
The noble search asks a serious question: what can be sought that does not die? The Qur'an answers with a name. All that is on earth will perish, it says, and the Face of your Lord will remain. It says to trust in Him who lives and does not die. So the seeker is right that nothing mortal can be the final goal. But the One who does not die is not reached by leaving the people He gave you. He is near, and He answers those who call on Him. A seeker can begin tonight, in his own home, by reading the Qur'an and asking who sent it.
“All that is on earth will perish: But will abide (for ever) the Face of thy Lord,- full of Majesty, Bounty and Honour.”
“And put thy trust in Him Who lives and dies not; and celebrate his praise; and enough is He to be acquainted with the faults of His servants;-”
“When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way.”
Perspectives
Buddhist replies
The Buddha's going was a great sacrifice for the good of all beings. Lay people are not asked to leave, and letting go is not coldness.
The Buddha left out of compassion, to save all beings. The loss of one household was the price of freedom for the world.
Rebuttal
That reason comes from the later Nidanakatha. In the Pali sermon he sets out to seek what is free of death. After his awakening, the same sermon says, his mind first inclined not to teach. He taught, it says, after he was asked, out of compassion for beings. So in the canon the compassion comes with the teaching, not with the leaving. The Prophet (ﷺ) carried his message while he served his own family.
His wife and son lived in a royal house. They wanted for nothing.
Rebuttal
No one went hungry in that house, but the teaching is not for princes alone. The monk in the Udana had a former wife who asked him to raise their boy. In Islam a family is owed more than food. A wife has a right over her husband, and a man answers for his family.
He came back for them. His son went forth, and his family heard the teaching.
Rebuttal
No one who leaves can promise such an ending. A rule for every seeker cannot rest on how one story ended. His own father said the boy's going was the worst pain yet. The Qur'an does not ask anyone to leave now and make it good later. It says to save your family with yourself.
Sangamaji had already gone forth. A monk has given up the home life for good, and to take up a household again would be to leave the path.
Rebuttal
That is the teaching this page describes. In this story, once a man has gone forth, his child's claim on him is treated as ended. His silence is praised. In Islam no vow ends that claim. The Prophet (ﷺ) turned back men who vowed to give up marriage, and said a man answers for his family.
Lay Buddhists are not asked to leave. The Buddha called care for parents, children and partners the highest blessing, and gave husbands duties. He said many lay followers go far on the path.
Rebuttal
These teachings are good, and the Qur'an also commands kindness to parents and kin. But in the Pali texts they are the lower rung. The lay followers who go furthest are called chaste, and no lay person ends suffering without giving up the fetter of lay life. Islam has no higher path that leaves the family behind, for the messengers themselves had wives and children.
Letting go is not coldness. The Buddha taught boundless love for all beings, like a mother's love for her only child.
Rebuttal
The picture itself makes the point. A mother would give her life for her only child because that child is hers. That close tie is what the verses tell the seeker to cut. Islam keeps the close tie and widens it, for God (﷾) is merciful to those who are merciful.
Not all Buddhists hold this. In Japan, a Mahayana country, Buddhist clergy of every denomination now marry.
Rebuttal
This shows a later change, not the teaching of the Pali texts. The historian of that change says the sects' teachings still idealise renunciation, while their clergy live like their parishioners. Islam has no such gap, for marriage was the Prophet's (ﷺ) own way from the start.
The Islamic perspective
A seeker does not leave his wife and child. God (﷾) made the care of a family part of worship, and the Prophet (ﷺ) lived this among his own.
The Pali texts list partners and children among what is liable to die, and call concern for them a strong shackle.
The Udana praises a monk who would not look at his son. Bukhari records the Prophet (ﷺ) agreeing that a worshipper's family has a right on him.
The Qur'an says God (﷾) gave the messengers wives and children, and tells believers to save their families with themselves.
What a Muslim spends on his family, hoping for Allah's (﷾) reward, counts as charity. Of four coins the Prophet (ﷺ) named, the one spent on family is the greatest in reward.
The Prophet (ﷺ) served his family and wept for his son. He called such tears a mercy.
The Qur'an promises believers a reunion in Paradise with the righteous of their families who followed them in faith.